Marriage

Before any of you say anything, I am not a marriage expert and I will never be a marriage expert.  I have gleaned information throughout my 15 years of marriage that I would like to share here. 

Submissive Wives
I'm going to start with wives cuz I'm one and I've had the most experience as a wife : )  Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord"  I hear over and over from women how they aren't going to submit to any man.  They are free, independent women unwilling to even think of submission.  I am a free, independent woman as well yet I submit to my husband as I do the Lord.  In my marriage, just as in Christ, I have free will and the freedom to make my own decisions.  I have been given the freedom to run my house and children as I see fit.  My husband is released from figuring out what is for dinner, what outfits the kids are going to wear, buying the kids underclothes, etc.  That is my job and I don't need to bother my husband with those things.  Just as with God, I can pick out my own clothes, eat what I want for breakfast, and decide whether I want to pledge my allegiance to Target or Walmart.  Marriage doesn't mean giving up all your freedom, it just means that we get to share big decision making with our spouses, just as we would with Christ.  We wouldn't decide to do something big like buy a car, a house, move, change jobs, etc without first consulting the Lord through prayer.  Why can't we see marriage as the same way?  Everyday decisions are our own; big decisions that affect the whole family need to be discussed.  I will also say that knowing that my husband is responsible for the big decisions is comforting and releasing.  Try submitting in that way if you aren't now.  See if it makes for more happiness on your part and your spouse's.  When my husband makes a decision, even if it is against what I would decide, it makes me feel good that usually he has made his decision based on my welfare.  He wants me to be safe and happy and that makes me feel all tingly inside.

Loving Husbands
 Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church"  Just as the Bible commands women to submit to their husbands, it commands men to Love their wives.  Yes, Love starts with a capital L.  Love that woman just as Christ loved the church.  How did Christ love the church?  He died for it.  He gave His life so He could present us to His father in heaven.  The rest of that verse says, "Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless"  Are you men presenting your wives as radiant?  When she looks at you, is it with radiance and respect?  If so, good job, you get a gold star.  If not, you might want to look inside yourselves and see what is going on.  Are you loving her?  Respecting all the work she does for you?  Or are you a dictator, lording over your household like a general?  Are you giving her the freedom she needs to be the best she can be for you and for the Lord?  Or are you creating a household that resonates fear and bitterness?  If you sweetly love, everyday, you will win yourself one wonderful woman.  The Lord doesn't come busting in our lives demanding respect and dinner, what gives you the right to do that?  He comes on like a breeze or a wave, slowly loving us until all we want is Him.  Husbands, use Christ's example as your jumping off point in your marriages.

Differences
What works in my marriage may not work in yours.  My husband and I have had several talks over the years about what we each expect of ourselves and each other.  Sometimes, that needs to change, especially if we have another child or if he gets a second job.  I do the majority of the housework and he makes the money.  He works a labor intensive job for both of his jobs so when he gets home, he gets to sit down.  The children pick up a large part of the daily chores.  I manage the house and the bills and he manages his 2 jobs.  That works for us.  A friend of mine and her husband both work full time jobs and they split the housework equally.  He does the laundry and she cooks.  He gets the kids from school and she manages bedtime.  That works for them, they are both happy with that decision.  If you are unhappy with how the "work" in your home and marriage is split, talk with your spouse.  See if you can come up with a compromise.  Don't forget to take into consideration energy levels, sleep needs, job hours, and the age of your children.  Husbands, don't overwhelm your wives with a ton of extra work, especially if you have small children.  Taking care of kids is exhausting work, especially if you have high needs kids or a lot of small ones.  Wives, remember that your husband has been looking forward to coming home all day so make it a happy place to be. 

Couples time
Always make sure to find time to be a couple.  Let me repeat that, ALWAYS find time to be a couple.  When we had 5 kids ages 6 and under, finding couple time was really hard.   We put our kids to bed very early (7:30) and trained our kids to sleep in their own cribs/beds and stay there.  They were not to get out of bed unless they had to pee or it was an emergency.  We needed that time to just talk and watch tv and enjoy each other without kids climbing on  us or demanding our attention.  As our kids have gotten older, we have found other ways.  We like to take weekend getaways or trips together.  We have date nights.  Sometimes we go out, sometimes we get a movie and go to our room and lock the door.  Couple time is of ultimate importance in a marriage.  You don't want to focus on your kids and jobs so much that you look up one day and see a stranger.  Don't think that when the kids move out, you will suddenly reconnect and live happily ever after.  You have to build on that relationship all the time and it is time consuming and hard but sooooo worth it.

Alone time
If you have been keeping up with my blog, you know about alone time already but I'll rehash it here briefly.  Alone time is so important.  My husband plays soccer on a rec league to get out and be his own self and I like to eat out with my friends.  Sometimes I go in my room and read a book or get a movie I want to watch.  My spouse goes on weekend soccer tournaments or plays poker online.  We love to do things together but we need to make sure we don't lose who we are.  I need time to just be LaShelle, to be called LaShelle and not mommy or wife (he calls me boo) and he needs the same.  Some people need alone time more than others but make sure you are continuing to grow your own personality as you grow together with your spouse.  Otherwise you are going to look up one day from your busy life and realize you don't even know who you are anymore.  You may even do something drastic to find out where you went, like dye your hair a funny color and buy a convertible.   Honestly, how does that possibly help?  I mean, you are going to be just as old and lost in that car as you were in your minivan.

Communication
Communication is key to a marriage.  Talking face to face is probably one of the most important but there are other ways.  Text, email, write letters, call, give googly eyes across the table (kids especially love this one), and more.  My husband and I call each other about every 2 hours throughout the day and when we get in bed, we talk for awhile before going to sleep.  We can catch up on each others days and learn funny things that happened.  When we are upset with each other we know right away because we talk so much.  He can even tell if I am calling to say hi or calling because there is a problem or a question just by how I say hello.  We get along great and can tell what the other is thinking because we have built up a communication base over our many years of marriage.  Our kids love it when we just look at each other across the table and have a "conversation" without saying anything.  We love to torture them with that by the way, try it, it's fun.  If you don't have good communication in your marriage, start working on it.  Don't wait for your spouse, take the initiative.  You never know what good will happen if you just start talking.

I  could keep going but I'll stop here.  At least 50% of marriages in America end in divorce.  I would much rather be part of the still married half of that percentage.  When it comes to marriage, always keep your eyes 20 years ahead.  What you do today will affect your life 20 years from now.  If you work on your marriage daily, you will hopefully have a happy one later.  If you are unhappy with how things are going now, change them.  If your husband isn't the talkative type, find other ways to communicate.  If your wife is unhappy and standoffish, love her gently until she comes around.  Find ways to make each other happy because ultimately, when your spouse is happy, you are happy.  Bringing my husband happiness gives me so much joy.  You wouldn't think so because we humans are such selfish beings but try it.  Do something nice.  He or she may not notice right away, but they will eventually. 

Ok, I'll stop here because it is "couples time" at our house.  It's been a busy day and I am looking forward to hearing about his day and discussing what's going on tomorrow.  Talk atcha later peeps.  Oh, I almost forgot, what marriage tips do you have?  What marriage problems have you overcome or would like to?